1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in the swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
The Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. I f a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racecar not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . ....they're cramming
for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with t iny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
A stranger was seated next to Tommy on the plane.
The stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"