[Submitted by geishaboo on April 16, 2006, 3:45 am]
hehh... i always seem to do this, to write about what has happened 'today' well after midnight comes knocking... hehh. well, i should continue on... i guess it's quite understandable, as my thoughts only truly come alive when the sky turns this shade of noir... and i think there may be another reason for this restlestness i felt all throughout today... a full moon that accompanied my short walk back home... i couldn't help but feel safer as i walked home basking in it's glow... there's something oddly comforting about moonlight, though i might add... something cold too...
▶play//namie amuro - come
♬~Come my way
alone in this darkness
Come close to me
now i'll shine some light
i'll be with you, I'll be with you
i'll stay beside you
So come my way
I realized that you are the only precious person in this world ~♬
when will i be rid of this longing, to hear his voice, to have my world in his hands again? he is still the master of me, even now when i am trying to take back what i had. i have to literally stop myself from sending him my messages. i know i will only complicate things more if i do it. i have to walk away.
i am sometimes terrified of what i am becoming now. when love comes into focus, i am so sarcastic, so leery. i know it makes my friends uncomfortable, but i can't stop it. my sleeping pattern is also totally out of control again. i can't even sleep early when i want to, and the loss of sleep is making me a total air-head. that is the last thing i want to come accross as. i can't stop my flow of thoughts. at this rate, my migraine will surely come to haunt me again. i can not allow it to happen.
i wonder if there is a way to make me fall asleep when i want to again. i've tried drinking warm drinks, eating lots of food during dinner, staring at the screen... but nothing works. there is always something on my mind, whether it's something i have to do, to improve... and him. i should be able to live with it by now, seeing how thoughts of him never leave me alone, but no.
reading fanfiction does help ease the pain, and it has helped me make a barrier to shield me from most of that pain. indeed, when i read all the messages he's sent me over our courtship, i now smile, and laugh. but as expected, it has not been able to stop me from reaching out for him. his name plays in my head, my heart, like a silent melody. caling him. but he never responds. i'm probably just getting crazier. when the pain is numbed, you never realise how much you are damaging the wound.
♬~Calling out
Can you hear me? yea
So come my way
Come my way
Come close to me
Come my way
Come close to me~♬
i need closure. not just some sort of closure, but a definitive one. one that will truly stop my heart from always calling out, something to stop that final ray of light flooding into my hoping heart. i need a change from this. i need to be stronger, and i know i can only achieve that by becoming, evolving into a different 'me'. but the process is long, ardorous and stressful. leaving the old habits, forming new ones, to become better. that is my goal from now on. i need to stop my pathetic whining, for one. another is my sarcastic behaviour. heck, it's not only putting my friends off, it's putting me off. and being put off by myself, i get consumed by the need to avoid everything and escape by curling up, drifting into oblivion with a deathwish and weakening more and more every time i come back. no, it shall not be. i need to live, not take the easy way out, to wither away and just die like the pathetic person i feel like now. no, i need to go with a big bang. -grin-
i feel the change taking place, albeit slowly, but surely. my kekkai is becoming stronger, colder. let the wound be, let it stay there. as long as it doesn't hurt. i will be better.
▶play//namie amuro - four seasons
♬~Four scene of love and laughter
I'll be alright being alone
Four scene of love and laughter
I'll be alright being alone
Four scene of love and laughter
I'll be alright being alone
Four scene of love and laughter
I will be OK
I can taste the sweetness of the past
Four seasons with your love
Four scene, four four seasons
Four scene, I'll be alright
Four scene, four four seasons
Four scene, stay with me...~♬
aah... these songs seem to be the only ones always at my side, comforting me. they give me hope, something to smile about, something to dance to and get my mostly dormant blood pumping again. hehh. how i wish i could wash my stress in a club right now, the darkness enveloping me to shield me from their prying eyes, to move to the beating bass, on the throbbing dancefloor... lovely music to deafen me to the world.
... eeh. i've almost forgotten what i came here for. well... hmm... i will start from thursday.
i went to school on thursday, fearing the worst. but when i got through the day, i was so happy i could've burst! see, the other week, i got sick from over-exertion [i know i should know better, but as you should understand by now, my mind rarely rests.] and so i couldn't go to school that day, and missed 2 lessons. So this week, i went to school AGAIN sleep deprived becaause of trying to study for the 2 tests i was supposed to have that day. I fared better this time round, though i got a bad case of the shivvies - a sure sign of my exhaustion. i was lucky i didn't go into a spasm and get sent to the hospital like what happened the last time... -cringe- anyways... well, i have to say that i have the NICEST lecturers ever. totally. for my first class, i was told by my lecturer that i could take the test after easter break and -horrors- me being the goldfish that i am, forgot that i had my mc letter at home, in my DCP portfolio folder. but my lecturer was so nice, and told me to just bring it to him after class at 1:30! of course, i had to hightail it out of school as soon as i got out of his class and i was also late for the next class, but it didn't matter really. =p i even found the test for my next class to have been tolerable, and that's saying something for someone who missed 2 weeks of study because of my visa. =p my lecturers are soo the best. =) and that night, i turned in early, but i guess the exhaustion is also part of why i am still here typing my post at this ungodly hour - i slept at 10 pm and woke up about 2 in the afternoon. hehh. but i am a pretty light sleeper, because at intervals i woke up. hehh. i need to change this habit. well, that friday i stayed at home and had a nice burger barbie with aunty and uncle and haris. yum! ^^ i also got to catch up with Cat online! =D seriously girl, i see you everywhere here... 0.0
well, 'today', Saturday the 15th, i was woken up by Chris, he called me up to tell me about Chanel's house-warming - though it was just him, Chanel, me and later on, Nigel. poor Chris, he sprained his foot, so he couldn't move around much. hehh, dang he squealed like a girl when me and Chanel massaged it and kneaded it to get the swelling down XD hehh, and Nigel's funny when he's intoxicated. XD we watched the simple life road trip 2, snacked on my 'special' bombay toasts, ate peanut brittle, and when Chanel came back from fetching Nigel, we ate cheezels and watched dirty love. hahah and then, dinner!! =D Chanel's a great cook ^^ we had yummy SPAGHETTI!!!! =D yum yum i love pasta! =D and then, i had to go home early, and since there were no more buses going to Oats St from Chanel's area, her Aunt Sylvia had to send me to the station... i feel bad to have inflicted myself on them but i guess it had to be done... Chanel, Christo and Nigel waited for the train with me, and we wre all shivering like kitties left outside in the rain... hehh, and Nige, the 'stoned' thing was not a reference to you being a druggie, just that you were in that state of mental euphoria then and you couldn't work properly XD
the train on the way back home was packed with supporters for this popular footie team here, 'west -something' hehh. i like soccer better, i've forgotten that special twisty move to pass the ball. XD at least in soccer you can tackle the ball from them with your foot XD hehh, i miss my 'ole's' =p
hehh. right now, i'm wondering whether i should sleep or stay awake, cos i'm supposed to go to this swap meet later. hmm, should i? or should i just move the day up to next week? my room's a mess, and i need to clean it up. sigh, my stomach's hungry again... i'm gonna go and make myself a strawberry jam sandwich - i miss my mum, and she bought the jam for me last time she came to visit. sniff. been trying to call her, but i keep getting her voicemail. she messaged me today, but i'd rather call. sigh.
aah, my stomach is hurting. time to make more food. =p goodnight, sweet dreams to everyone, and strawberry kisses.
_x.♥
▶play//namie amuro - come
♬~Come my way
alone in this darkness
Come close to me
now i'll shine some light
i'll be with you, I'll be with you
i'll stay beside you
So come my way
I realized that you are the only precious person in this world ~♬
when will i be rid of this longing, to hear his voice, to have my world in his hands again? he is still the master of me, even now when i am trying to take back what i had. i have to literally stop myself from sending him my messages. i know i will only complicate things more if i do it. i have to walk away.
i am sometimes terrified of what i am becoming now. when love comes into focus, i am so sarcastic, so leery. i know it makes my friends uncomfortable, but i can't stop it. my sleeping pattern is also totally out of control again. i can't even sleep early when i want to, and the loss of sleep is making me a total air-head. that is the last thing i want to come accross as. i can't stop my flow of thoughts. at this rate, my migraine will surely come to haunt me again. i can not allow it to happen.
i wonder if there is a way to make me fall asleep when i want to again. i've tried drinking warm drinks, eating lots of food during dinner, staring at the screen... but nothing works. there is always something on my mind, whether it's something i have to do, to improve... and him. i should be able to live with it by now, seeing how thoughts of him never leave me alone, but no.
reading fanfiction does help ease the pain, and it has helped me make a barrier to shield me from most of that pain. indeed, when i read all the messages he's sent me over our courtship, i now smile, and laugh. but as expected, it has not been able to stop me from reaching out for him. his name plays in my head, my heart, like a silent melody. caling him. but he never responds. i'm probably just getting crazier. when the pain is numbed, you never realise how much you are damaging the wound.
♬~Calling out
Can you hear me? yea
So come my way
Come my way
Come close to me
Come my way
Come close to me~♬
i need closure. not just some sort of closure, but a definitive one. one that will truly stop my heart from always calling out, something to stop that final ray of light flooding into my hoping heart. i need a change from this. i need to be stronger, and i know i can only achieve that by becoming, evolving into a different 'me'. but the process is long, ardorous and stressful. leaving the old habits, forming new ones, to become better. that is my goal from now on. i need to stop my pathetic whining, for one. another is my sarcastic behaviour. heck, it's not only putting my friends off, it's putting me off. and being put off by myself, i get consumed by the need to avoid everything and escape by curling up, drifting into oblivion with a deathwish and weakening more and more every time i come back. no, it shall not be. i need to live, not take the easy way out, to wither away and just die like the pathetic person i feel like now. no, i need to go with a big bang. -grin-
i feel the change taking place, albeit slowly, but surely. my kekkai is becoming stronger, colder. let the wound be, let it stay there. as long as it doesn't hurt. i will be better.
▶play//namie amuro - four seasons
♬~Four scene of love and laughter
I'll be alright being alone
Four scene of love and laughter
I'll be alright being alone
Four scene of love and laughter
I'll be alright being alone
Four scene of love and laughter
I will be OK
I can taste the sweetness of the past
Four seasons with your love
Four scene, four four seasons
Four scene, I'll be alright
Four scene, four four seasons
Four scene, stay with me...~♬
aah... these songs seem to be the only ones always at my side, comforting me. they give me hope, something to smile about, something to dance to and get my mostly dormant blood pumping again. hehh. how i wish i could wash my stress in a club right now, the darkness enveloping me to shield me from their prying eyes, to move to the beating bass, on the throbbing dancefloor... lovely music to deafen me to the world.
... eeh. i've almost forgotten what i came here for. well... hmm... i will start from thursday.
i went to school on thursday, fearing the worst. but when i got through the day, i was so happy i could've burst! see, the other week, i got sick from over-exertion [i know i should know better, but as you should understand by now, my mind rarely rests.] and so i couldn't go to school that day, and missed 2 lessons. So this week, i went to school AGAIN sleep deprived becaause of trying to study for the 2 tests i was supposed to have that day. I fared better this time round, though i got a bad case of the shivvies - a sure sign of my exhaustion. i was lucky i didn't go into a spasm and get sent to the hospital like what happened the last time... -cringe- anyways... well, i have to say that i have the NICEST lecturers ever. totally. for my first class, i was told by my lecturer that i could take the test after easter break and -horrors- me being the goldfish that i am, forgot that i had my mc letter at home, in my DCP portfolio folder. but my lecturer was so nice, and told me to just bring it to him after class at 1:30! of course, i had to hightail it out of school as soon as i got out of his class and i was also late for the next class, but it didn't matter really. =p i even found the test for my next class to have been tolerable, and that's saying something for someone who missed 2 weeks of study because of my visa. =p my lecturers are soo the best. =) and that night, i turned in early, but i guess the exhaustion is also part of why i am still here typing my post at this ungodly hour - i slept at 10 pm and woke up about 2 in the afternoon. hehh. but i am a pretty light sleeper, because at intervals i woke up. hehh. i need to change this habit. well, that friday i stayed at home and had a nice burger barbie with aunty and uncle and haris. yum! ^^ i also got to catch up with Cat online! =D seriously girl, i see you everywhere here... 0.0
well, 'today', Saturday the 15th, i was woken up by Chris, he called me up to tell me about Chanel's house-warming - though it was just him, Chanel, me and later on, Nigel. poor Chris, he sprained his foot, so he couldn't move around much. hehh, dang he squealed like a girl when me and Chanel massaged it and kneaded it to get the swelling down XD hehh, and Nigel's funny when he's intoxicated. XD we watched the simple life road trip 2, snacked on my 'special' bombay toasts, ate peanut brittle, and when Chanel came back from fetching Nigel, we ate cheezels and watched dirty love. hahah and then, dinner!! =D Chanel's a great cook ^^ we had yummy SPAGHETTI!!!! =D yum yum i love pasta! =D and then, i had to go home early, and since there were no more buses going to Oats St from Chanel's area, her Aunt Sylvia had to send me to the station... i feel bad to have inflicted myself on them but i guess it had to be done... Chanel, Christo and Nigel waited for the train with me, and we wre all shivering like kitties left outside in the rain... hehh, and Nige, the 'stoned' thing was not a reference to you being a druggie, just that you were in that state of mental euphoria then and you couldn't work properly XD
the train on the way back home was packed with supporters for this popular footie team here, 'west -something' hehh. i like soccer better, i've forgotten that special twisty move to pass the ball. XD at least in soccer you can tackle the ball from them with your foot XD hehh, i miss my 'ole's' =p
hehh. right now, i'm wondering whether i should sleep or stay awake, cos i'm supposed to go to this swap meet later. hmm, should i? or should i just move the day up to next week? my room's a mess, and i need to clean it up. sigh, my stomach's hungry again... i'm gonna go and make myself a strawberry jam sandwich - i miss my mum, and she bought the jam for me last time she came to visit. sniff. been trying to call her, but i keep getting her voicemail. she messaged me today, but i'd rather call. sigh.
aah, my stomach is hurting. time to make more food. =p goodnight, sweet dreams to everyone, and strawberry kisses.
_x.♥