It just so sad. Some people just never figure out the wrong they did. And the worst things is that they still walk around thinking that they are right. I don't ever want to fight it out with them. I rather spend those time on more productive thing. They are totally not worth my time.
I am really thinking I am not working out with him. Is he a mama boy? I really hope he is not. Cause when he say that if his mum cannot survive one day in another country, he doubt he can survive too. I have to really pretend that it is ok and dun tease him. But he is such a sweet and kind person sometimes. I really have no idea what to do with him. I still don't like it when he refuse to hold me in school. And he seem to hate it that I am pulling him to hurry up and eat. He resist it. Why will he be afraid when he told me he dun mind if i hold his hand. What is he scared of? I dun know what to do with him. I am thinking have I rush into something that I do not like? But I do like him sometimes and I do not like his attitude sometimes. Haiz... I really need to get away from here. Anywhere is better than here. I do not know what to hold on to anymore.
I shall wish for the early death of him. I am so angry, so frustrated and it is making me so tired. I can't go on and accomplish my goal. All because of him. Why am I stuck in such a place like this. I tell him to go to hell and stay there forever. This shall be my hate blog. I am so dead tired everyday, with all these conflicts and they just don't care. I shall have to work hard to get away from here. Get away from them. They are so pratical and yet they want to act like a saint in front of other people. I have seen their true facade. It is not use trying to act like an angle in front of me. It make me feel so sick. Pse pse how i wish others will see this sickening face of yours. Trying to act so good when you are not. You only treat people nice when there are benefits don't you? I know your lies when you try to act so innocent. Don't you tink that the wat you act is so sickening. And retribution will surely come for a person like you. Right now I just want to stop seeing you, stop talking to you and never ever let you bully me the way you did. I am sick of it.
So I'm going back to sch on 14 april, Mon. A lot of ppl who are working or not working are asking me how does it feel to be studying again. I must say it feel very bad. Cause I got to go and memorise stuffs and get in contact wit ppl. I dun interact well with ppl sometimes. Sometimes I can really click very well but most of the times, it is a failure. But at least I hope I can see my dear more often in sch. I better study hard but I just can't seem to do it. I just can't make myself be more serious abt my study. My parents seem to tink that I will study hard but they are so wrong.. When I'm studying, I need ppl to push me to do it. Studying is really a chore. Used so much of my brain and cause me so much ache. Make me feel slpy & tired too. But in Singapore, ppl only talk abt qualification when you work. If you are a diploma holder, it is also quite useless. You need to be a degree holder before you get the minimum request from others. It is just so sucky. It just mean that I really have to work hard on it cause I dun want to be look down again but I just can't do it... No matter what, I will just have to force myself. Cause I do not want to go back to the past year experience of working as temp. It's just terrible... ppl giving you all the shit work...feeling so tired all the time...
I'm so depressed again that the laptop I brought in sch was more expansive than what they sell outside. I can't believe it. I am con out of my money! By the sch! Why am I so dumb. Why did I brought it so early. Why act so kiasu like typical singaporean? So kan chio(anxious) so what! Those money are hard to come by for my family. There are really very very very precious to me. (ok, like who dunno money is very precious) And now I have help to spend half of it away in my bank acct, furthermore on something that I could have save on. A few hundreds that I could have save on! This is so sucky. Such a disaster. I feel like killing myself for it. And Tania didn't even told me that they are selling Acer com cheaper outside. No wonder she is not buying Acer at the very 1st place, cos she knew all abt the price of it. Really feel so angry abt it.
I'm so upset today. First is famliy, secondly is love. How terrible can it be? Of all things, these things are so close and impt to me and yes they have to break my heart both at the same time. Though I'm a aquarius, my moon sign is pisces. Sun sign reflect your individuality but moon sign show ur inner personality. So actually, I'm a very emotional person. And I'm a romantic.
So I have a fight with my mum today. It is always world war fight with my parents or brother. The kind that got a hugh atomic bomb hitting you. Then I wanted to find comfort in my bf but sadly he was not there for me. I sms him, but he reply 2 hr late. I'm so glad Kamala was there for me then. She really comfort me a lot, being such a sympathetic listener and wanted to make me feel good again. And the most impt is that I know I can always call her and she will pick up. This is not the case wit my bf. I tink he is always so busy. I told him that he need to spend more time with me so he increase from one date per wk to 2 date per wk. Can't we meet more often? Does it have to follow a schedule? Like wed and sun is reserve for date with me and other days we can't meet? How I wish he say that we meet more often, esp since we have not started sch yet.
I was actually short of money but I did not work more cos I wan to see him more often. But he did not ask me out for more date. So I tell him if only we can meet more often and everyday but he did not take my hint. Or did he think that it was not necessary to meet more often. I always have the feeling it is the latter.
So after he reply 2 hrs late, I really dun feel like talking to him. The moment was over. I was quite disappointed in him. But I knew that if I call him, he might not even be free to listen to me. Or if he did, he did not know how to console me. When I sms him that I'm upset, it really major but he did not seem to think in this way. He gave me the feeling like it was nothing. Like" sure, sayang, you can call me. what are you upset abt?" The reply he gave me make me wan to get away from him. It was not the kind of feeling that you can run to him and fall into his arm, thinking that he can comfort me. No, he can't do it and when I say upset, how light can the situation be? I really needed someone to comfort me but it was not him. In the end, my best friend was the one that was there for me, not him.
Yes, I got OT, I got OT, I am going to NYP, or so I thought. I really do want to go to NYP. Yes, I guess NYP is still the best option to me. Yes I am going to NYP, yes I am going to NYP. Happy*.....But looking at my words I can be such a no brainer sometimes, saying things like these.
Anyway I am a scatterbrain nowadays. IQ so low that I shld have delete it away from my facebook but I didn't. I tink I need some reminder to tell me that I am stupid. That will humble me and stop me from thinking that I'm so great. Not that I do tink of myself in that way but it would be gd to tell myself I am stupid. So that I will work at things. & stop going ard without using ur brain.
I’m so dead tired today. I was really walking all over the place in my office for today. Things just keep hitting you and you have to settle them. And I was not using my brain. Went to the washroom to wash my hand but forget to bring my toothbrush and paste along to brush after lunch. Then have to do extra walking again. Luckily I am seeing mark today. Then I can get to slp in his arm. But seriously, I tink that I love him more than he love me. He always says that he loves me but his action doesn’t show. Talk is cheap and I want to see some actions. It would be nice if he sent me some flowers. Or try to sms more to me and say that he misses me. I want to see that my bf is willing to pay for small little things without prompting from me too. Sometimes, I really felt more like the guy in this love. Pay for the drinks or wait for him during our date. If I have to pick at his fault and compare him to other guys, I will say he needs a big improvement. Very big. There are so many things that I want to change abt him. His breath, his manner of talking and his lack of thoughtfulness.
Sadly I am going to stop missing him from today onwards. If not my heart cannot take it and the tears will nv stop flowing for him. I just cry on the bus ytd, thinking abt us and his reply. I say that I wish I could see him everyday. I guess my words scared him off. He didn’t say that he miss me. Instead he was telling me how he was going to have his dinner in Changi Airport and wait for parents and drive them home. Oh great, I don’t really want to know that. Or know how rich ur parent is or that u have a car. I just wanted to see ur concern for me. Anyway I dun want to sms him too often form now on cos the answer he gave is not something I always want to hear. Though some of the sms are really sweet but most of the time they are not gd engh. T.T However I still wanted to be with him. It just waits for him to kick me off. It is just so tough to get another guy. Love can be such a sad affair. I got to stop imagining all the possible sad scenarios that go so wrong for us. I really have to work out the best in this moment and in this relationship. I don’t want to waste my time doing something that felt wrong. I still believe that I like him. Or do I? (no, I am going to avoid this question..)
If I was to describe this wk, it will be a bittersweet wk. I can’t wait for my posting result. And I have let Kamala down. How could I forgetten to call her? Really feel bad abt it. Anyway I am not a saint nowadays. Been thinking too much of my own affair than remembering what other ppl need too. Esp in the office when they alred told me what they want if I went out but I forget.
But it was great to be with Mark ytd. Watch Horton and it was funny though I thought it would be better if I could watch a non-cartoon movie. But at least, it was not so bad. I really laugh alot when Horton has to cross the precarious wooden bridge. But the best night of the moment is when we ssik after he send me back home. Now I can’t wait for Friday to come till I can see him again. And furthermore I dun have to work. Good Friday, yeah. =)
Went on an outing to Changi village on sun but in the end my dear & me got a terrible sunburn. Even though we try to stay in the shade most of the time... But it was nice to see the beach. And it was a surprise to see my neighbor and his family there too. However the initial trip there was terrible. Cause I told him off that he was spending too little time with me. But it was a gd thing tat we did not break up. I dun want my 1st love to be so short and sad too. But I didn’t know tat he can remain quiet for so long after I told him the reason why I was mad at him. But Sunday was the best time I have ever spent with him. I guess the reconciliation is always sweet after a fight.
And I was lucky on Mon when I manage to find my lost wallet after I ran from expo to his hse. It contains so many impt things. If I was to lost it I can really cry. But tat night I was suppose to call Kamala. I guess I was too caught up in giving him a romantic treatment that I forget all abt it. But it didn't turn out to be romantic. Actually I was quite rough I tink. Now I feel so bad thinking abt it again. Cause she is my Best friend. Hello, how can I forget? Sigh* I guess I am a person that only live for love .Ok, maybe not, cos I know I do care abt my family and future too. But that night was an adventure. I really ran and walk a lot. I have took 2 wrong buses and have to find my way back. But I was glad he knows that I care for him.
( This is a very love-sick entry, dun read it if you can't stand those lovey-dovey <qui se languit d'amour> things)
Sigh* Ytd was the sweetest night I have ever spent.
First we have dinner together, then we hold our hands in the MRT station all the way to City Hall. I keep teasing him that he got rough hands. But when I say that I want to do some fortune telling on his hands, I was disappointed to see 2 very clear lines on his marriage line. It just means that he will be married twice and have 2 wives. He laughs and says that lots of ppl have said that to him too. But he says that his hand was his father hand. I know that his father has married twice. But I still couldn’t get what he really mean. However there was alred a dread that came over me… ok maybe I am too superstitious. But when I look at my mum left hand when I reach home ltr, she only got 1 clear line on the marriage line. And look at her now, she is still married to my father and not divorce. So I definitely not going to marry him 1st. It really spoils my mood to tink that if I was to marry him, I will have to divorce him for another woman…Or that he will marry another woman after I am dead...Ok, I know I tink too much.
But nvm, along the train ride I was trying to know more abt his Fav. Things. Ltr we went to Peninsula Plaza to look at guitars. Saw lots of very cool guitar but too bad I dun have the money to buy. I didn’t know that he was trying those guitar so as to check and see if they are gd engh for me to buy them. He say that he can’t wait for me to have a guitar of my own so I was quite excited to have my own soon too.
Then I can’t believe that in that short moment in the lift, we can still hug each another. I felt so blissed.
Then when we are deciding our next programme, I have no idea where to go so my dear suggests the Sky Garden or Esplanade. But in the end we went to Sky Garden. But when I step inside the rooftop I knew tat I have came here before, only that it been a long time since I went there. I knew that I have told myself before that if I have a bf I would want to bring him there. And the surrounding was just so romantic. There was this fountain and we just sit there in each another arm. It was perfect. How I wish he could wrap his arm ard me forever. I could remember the scent of his T-shirt and the feel his heartbeat. The look of his eyes and how I kiss his lips very lightly. Then when I ask what kind of girl he like and he say me. However the sky was drizzling and we can’t stay for long. But it was long engh for me to feel very bliss.
So yes! (Exhilarated), I have finally gotten his <3. On that sat night after a movie, We are walking back home cause the last MRT have left. So I walk halfway back along his way with him. Then we pass the church and he asks me if I still like any guys. But I nv thought that he will give me the ultimate q… when ltr on he asks me if I like him. I guess we are in a very very awkward situation at tat time. When I say I do like him a bit, I guess it wasn’t enough for him. Cause he did not go furthers and asks if I wanted to be his gf. Well, I guess I do have my insecure part when I ask him if he like me too. But the best part was when he says yes.
But that confession makes me think a lot tat night on my way home. The loveliness of the night (with those orange lamps) and the loneliness I felt make me so confused. When I woke up in the morn again, I sms him back and say that I do like him. (Although I text the message too fast and there is a major spellin error…which is totally embrassin… he didn’t get what I was saying). However I still think that he wanted more confirmation from me tat I am serious abt him. Cause when I say that I was doing a lot of thinking that night, he reply back and ask if I was tinking abt us. I say yes. But at least things have kick start from there. However it also make me wonder if he could slp it off tat night too. It seems like he did…
So when he ask me out for dinner on mon, (too bad it can’t be on sun), I am happy that at least we are meeting. But next time I really need him to ask me to be his girl. Cause I really want to confirm this relationship. Then I read this article on MSN today, saying "Is your guy is a keeper?" Apparently he didn’t score too well. Cause during our 2 date he have been on the phone when somebody call him.
Taken from MSN (Below)
#3: His cell is off.
Unless he’s an on-call surgeon or volunteer fireman, that Nokia should be nowhere in sight. "If he takes casual calls during your date, he has other priorities, and you may always come in second," warns Daniels. Ask yourself this: Do you want to get involved with a guy who can’t go two hours without talking to his broker? Or his buddies? Or his ex?
For sure, lots of us take calls 24/7. But that’s why a guy’s refusal to text or yak during your date is so telling. "It implies you are more important than a random call, and he wants to be fully present for your night out," says Daniels. Bottom line: He’s not the kind of guy who’s always hoping for better plans to come along.