i must be all too well damned to be born into my family... my head is buzzing with so much question i'm afraid it might burst... just thinking about it feels as if bile is rising in my throat... they say that blood is thicker than water... i say it's crap... i just found out why my cousins transfered to another home... it's because of my grandma... she told her that she never loved any of her grandkids and she positively hated me... my aunt was beyond livid so she told her side family to pack thier things and leave... i was born a bastard, i admit... my mom was eighteen then when her boyfriend impregnated her and so here i am now... confused, depressed and alone... my grandparents were really outraged by that but they decided to keep me... for reason that i do not know... maybe because they don't want to ruin the family reputation... or they don't want to rot in hell... or maybe just because they wanted to punish me... if that's the case, then my grandparents are brilliant actors... they never showed me any sign of what they really felt for me... i remember only too well the day in my childhood when my grandma told me that a taiwanese businessman wanted to adopt me but they refused... i thought that they loved me... but now, i guess i was wrong... i thought it would've been better if i was adopted by that businessman... things would've been a whole lot better for me... that makes me wish i could really turn back time... my mom told me that news just before i left for school... about my grandma i mean... i really find it hard to believe she said that... after all, i think my mom is losing her marbles after she had a row with my grandma... spreading all sorts of lies in my system which drives me crazy sometimes... i dont know who i should believe... nor what i should do... this experience emotionally left me far worse than dead... i just hope that i could finish my studies soon... so i can move out and never return to the place i once called home ever again...

i was going home from p.e class one utterly humid tuesday afternoon without a care in the world... sweaty and so darn hungry, a good meal and a bath was what i really needed... when i reached our humble abode, i headed straight for the kitchen & washed my hands so i can pick whatever food is on the table (good hygiene is always a first!)... while i was rinsing my hands, my mom told me to check up on my aunt as she heard from the radio that one of the residents in the apartment they were staying was trespassed by a thief and some goods were stolen, among them a philipps portable dvd player! my hunger evaporated on the spot & my thoughts of having a bath went along with it... i was really worried... my cousins were barely 10 years old! the eldest was 9, the middle was 7 and the youngest was just 2 months old... my grandpa set out for their house right away & i decided on the last minute that tag along...  boy, was i wreck when we got there... i didn't comb my hair right, my p.e uniform was  drenched in sweat & i was wearing only a pair of slippers (since i left my rubber shoes at home)... you'd think i was one of those kids found on the streets looking downright untidy... i found out on the way to my aunt's apartment that it was their part of the place that was robbed... my aunt told me that her neighbors witnessed a boy of about 12 years old peering through their window... they didn't have any malice with that they saw since they thought that the boy was a friend of my cousins or maybe a relative paying a visit... besides, he was pretty neatand clean so how could that imp be suspected of being a theif? my aunt left the door open for the ongoing babysitter while she did just a bit of the laundry... when she turned her back, the little pest at the window rushed in and took the dvd player along with 2 of my aunt's cellphones... he was at ease with breakign in... for the plain and simple reason that he brought a FOLDING KNIFE with him! the little creep...

i received a notice from mtvmobbed someting about migrating...  i thought my account has going to the dumpster so i went frantic went i read it & i had to check my account faster than you could say supercalifragilisticexpealidotious... whatever the speling is... good thing my account is still safe... whew... but the bad thing is (balance is always important T_T), its been along darn time that i had a good look on my club that the guys and gals who signed up for it got really sore at me for making them wait... oh, man... what a big ouch for me... anyway, new year, new me... i'll take good care of things from now on...

its been a very long time since i checked my mtvmobbed account since i dont have computer access all the time... so what happened was i didnt check my naruto club & needless to say a lot of people unsubscribed to it... terribly sorry... been very busy with school work... and i really went through a lot... considering the fact that my boyfriend passed away only recently... i decided to edit it with the opening of the club to the public... sorry again... T_T

a lot of things has happened to me in just a span of 1 month... in a split second in a day in october, i lost my boyfriend miko... forever... his heart transplant was a sure fire success, yes, but he died in a car accident in taiwan with his friend... the two of them were drunk on their way home & i never saw him ever again... it was as painful as getting your heart ripped out from your chest with the use of a chainsaw...  i guess i'm doing okay after what happened... but another crushing blow to my system is the fact that my old flame has someone new to take my place... i couldn't blame him... in fact, i hope that he's happy with her... but the thing that has been bothering me about is what hapened to me las tuesday... we saw each other in our building's lobby & he glared at me... a glare so red, hot & angry that i was nearly reduced to tears... i really didn't know why he was that way... i guess... it was his way of saying... "i'm over you!"... sad but true... too bad... because i fell in love with him again... things aren't going my way when october bloomed... & things still aren't are...

everybody anime fan remembers that line from the fushigi yuugi 2nd ova when tasuki was beating taka black & blue... taka remains ever so faithful to miaka whatever happens... same goes for my love life... my boyfriend already left for taiwan for his heart transplant & i really couldn't help but worry... a lot of thoughts have been putting me very down lately & i do tend to breakdown... such as the one where i had a crush on another guy... he was really sad about it & he lost all hope to hang on... i was really panicked by that... he was my one & only beloved... the only one who loved me for who i am... i dropped my crush like a hot potato (he was a mega jerk anyway) & returned to my baby... i really don't know what to do right now but to pray for his safety... i'll do anything & everything just to keep him safe, sound & alive... i did my best to keep his hopes up & he gave a lot of promises to keep the both of us thinking positive about the outcome of his operation... i hope & pray that God will always be with him in his transplant & recovery... because my boyfriend is the only one who keeps me going on & about in life... he's the source of all my happiness & my strength... miko, wherever you are right now, i love you baby! always! God will make a way for the both of us! just HOLD ON FOR ME... mwah!

<pre>

"i was damaged by the fall, got the wind knocked out of me,  to be standing here at all,

i must be invincible..." crooned Christian Bautista on my Windows Media Payer last

night with all the "kaboom!" &"bratatatatat!" of the game I was playing... hekhek... my

granny was resting in the room I was hitting the computer so she had her eyebrows

raised when Christian Bautista was singing a ballad throughout the war sounds created

by a game... ^^

</pre>

<pre>

"i was damaged by the fall, got the wind knocked out of me,  to be standing here at all,

i must be invincible..." crooned Christian Bautista on my Windows Media Payer last

night with all the "kaboom!" &"bratatatatat!" of the game I was playing... hekhek... my

granny was resting in the room I was hitting the computer so she had her eyebrows

raised when Christian Bautista was singing a ballad throughout the war sounds created

by a game... ^^

<pre>

It just tears me apart to think that my boyfriend is having an

ongoing battle with his illness... He was born with a congenital heart

disease & I do thank God for giving him many years to live &

counting... He will be returning home to his native roots in Taiwan to

undergo a heart transplant... There was a time that he gave up all the

hope he could muster & that scared the hell out of me... He thought

that it would be better if he wasn't much a burden to me... It was a

good thing that I was able to 'give him back his life' by cheering him

up & making him hold on... Besides, what good will it do if he's going

to leave me? I'm going to feel more desolate than ever! I'm 120%

percent that he'll be alright... But the thing that bothers me is that his

relatives are not sure if he's going to make it... It's annoying me but I

feel as if I'm the only on whose pretty positive about the outcome...

Anyway, everyone is hoping for the best (especially me!) & I will wait

for him to return home to me... no matter how long it would take him

to...

"May God bless you on your operation baby! I love You!"