this is from ♡brattyme's blog - it's answered a bit of my confusions. there are no excuses in love.

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. - exactly.

2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. - someone should teach us how to do this without breaking your own heart.

3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone. - i didn't. maybe that's why i couldn't leave him alone.

4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. - but what happens if it tells you to do the complete opposite?

5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. - hm.

6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. - what if it's him that makes me truly happy?

7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. - but what if he treated you so well? and it's still hard to think of him just as a friend.

8. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order. - in the end God is the only one i can put my faith in.

9. Don't settle. - how to do this when you're just so in love and can't lose him?

10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. - it was better than better.

11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. - control is such a dirty word.

12. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you. - ...should have known. but noo, i had to believe my own excuses.

13. Always put yourself and your happiness first. - no can do. the person you love will always have 1st place; love's unselfish devotion.

▶play//hikaru utada - kremlin dusk

finally an update, after long weeks of silence... i've been busy, and just plainly, i don't really have much to talk about. okay, i do, but i the exams are coming up, and i'm getting nervous... i have 1 art assignment due monday, and 6 due this thursday, along with a test on the same day. which makes less than 2 days excluding today for me to get everything done and study for the test [where, by the by, i have to actually know how to make things in Publisher. oh how i loathe it now.]. i'm at college, i came so that i'd be able to do 'work' but i ended up too bored with it after half of the first page. sigh. i'm sooo. screwed. sigh. i lost much of  this week being sick. why oh whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

♡sorelles - i'm plugging hana + charlie =) hana, i miss you muchos sweetheart <3- i'm gonna sit right behind you ;) wish i could see you again, and you know, as much as i am happy that summer has just arrived for you in lux, i'm here dreading winter and suffering from an extremely drying autumn. sniff. oh well. =) *HUGGG* i miss our hugs ^^ not to mention missing hugging and pinching and poking all of our friends. sniff.

♡amnesty  - if anyone is interested to join usin the petition to control arms, come sit with us in the Virtual Stadium: click on SECTION NW, and then SECTION NW 2 and then come look for us =) i'm sitting in NW2R24C51. well, supposed to be sitting there anyways. the sending info thing is taking a long time to process my information. dammit. maybe i'll try it again later. till then, know that it's reserved ok! LOL. here's a pic of how my character is gonna look like:

this is from my deviantart journal. i got the quiz off ♡meizerrrs

UNO...numbers...

10 Firsts...
-First Best Friend: probably Zaza or Qeels.
-First Imaginary Friend: i don't think i had one...
-First Pet's name: i don't remember...
-First Piercing: ears - my grandma brought me.
-First Crush: i don't remember...
-First CD: hmm... same as above...
-First Car: LOL. i can't even drive.
-First School: Nusa Laila Nursery
-First Kiss: hmph.

9 Lasts...
-Last Time You Smoked: bwahha. well, i was 7-ish at my grandparents' house, and i didn't know how to use the lighter so i started chewing on it - the tobacco end mind you, not the filter. as you can imagine, i swore to never smoke, the taste was soooo vile. but i love the smell of unburnt tobacco. XD
-Last Food You Ate: Nagaraya Original Cracker Nuts. i was ecstatic to find it here. -grin-
-Last Car Ride: yesterday, when i went out with the family and friends.
-Last Movie You Watched: Date movie - FUNNY AS. but a word of warning, if you are freshly single and still pining, do not watch it - it might leave you with an ache where it hurts the most.
-Last Phone Call: Mum -smile-
-Last CD You listened to: Petshop Of Horrors - Original Soundtrack
-Last Bubble Bath You took: a long time ago in Brunei. sniff. i miss my bathtub.
-Last Song You listened to: Come - Namie Amuro
-Last Fight: not so long ago... let me just say that when i'm in love, i don't see reason.

8 Have You Ever...
-Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: no. close friends.
-Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope.
-Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no. way.
-Have You Ever Been on TV: i don't think so.
-Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: yes. with that one person only.
-Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: no way, jose.

▶play//yasushi ishii - logos naki world, hellsing

heheh... yaye!! =D i managed to sleep yesterday!!! -grin- lol... spent the day with haris, aunty jam, 3 uncles [only know uncle jub's name, the other 2 i've forgotten... they're not real uncs... XD], a chinese guy and aunty dora, checking out various swap meets, napping in the car and then had lunch at Spencer Village [Kueh Bom and Kwe tiaw..(sp?) and then when we got home at around 3-ish i just fell into bed. lol. kept waking up through the night but stayed there till i woke up again at 8:30-ish this morning. mwaha. but found out this morning at breakfast that haris had gotten into an accident, he'd hit his forehead on something sharp and had to be sent to the hospital for stitches... poor darling.. =( aunty tried to wake me up, but i was just so out cold i didn't hear her... X| mm, i feel bad...

ohh.. got to talk to mum that day too, while we were walking around at one of the swap meets XD eek. it was brrrrrrrrrrrrrr cold. note to self - buy some gloves, ASAP.

♡Dear Alucard

hahahahahhahahhahahah!!!! stupidest and funniest EVER on Alucard XD uber OOC!!

yeah i'm in a good mood today. my last day of relaxing, from here on will be studying galore. yaye. -rolls eyes- ah well.

have a nice day everyone, and strawberry kisses from your favourite draculina.


_x.♥

▶play//Yasushi Ishii - Fuseijitsu Na Michi No Ue De No Survival [Hellsing]

♡The Story of Us: Chapter 4, Ah, Old Times

hehh. this one, may not be exactly what happened in mine... but it brought me back our own sweet memories. love is beautiful while it lasts, but it sure hurts like hell - i quote Kagome - 'Love. How I hate that word. The word that brought so much pain to me, while it brought others joy and happiness.'

couldn't have summed it more beautifully my dear.

on a different note, i think i am an insomniac now. another night without the familiar embrace of sleep. sigh. i'm tired, physically and mentally exhaustd, yet i cannot just fall into my bed and sleep. strange indeed.

i better be going now, i'm still contemplating whether i should go to the swap meet. it's cold.

i miss you. you won't believe how hard it is not telling you how i feel.

have a nice day everyone, strawberry kisses from your resident draculina.


_x.♥

hehh... i always seem to do this, to write about what has happened 'today' well after midnight comes knocking... hehh. well, i should continue on... i guess it's quite understandable, as my thoughts only truly come alive when the sky turns this shade of noir... and i think there may be another reason for this restlestness i felt all throughout today... a full moon that accompanied my short walk back home... i couldn't help but feel safer as i walked home basking in it's glow... there's something oddly comforting about moonlight, though i might add... something cold too...

▶play//namie amuro - come

♬~Come my way
alone in this darkness
Come close to me
now i'll shine some light
i'll be with you, I'll be with you
i'll stay beside you
So come my way
I realized that you are the only precious person in this world ~♬

when will i be rid of this longing, to hear his voice, to have my world in his hands again? he is still the master of me, even now when i am trying to take back what i had. i have to literally stop myself from sending him my messages. i know i will only complicate things more if i do it. i have to walk away.

i am sometimes terrified of what i am becoming now. when love comes into focus, i am so sarcastic, so leery. i know it makes my friends uncomfortable, but i can't stop it. my sleeping pattern is also totally out of control again. i can't even sleep early when i want to, and the loss of sleep is making me a total air-head. that is the last thing i want to come accross as. i can't stop my flow of thoughts. at this rate, my migraine will surely come to haunt me again. i can not allow it to happen.

i wonder if there is a way to make me fall asleep when i want to again. i've tried drinking warm drinks, eating lots of food during dinner, staring at the screen... but nothing works. there is always something on my mind, whether it's something i have to do, to improve... and him. i should be able to live with it by now, seeing how thoughts of him never leave me alone, but no.

▶play//mariah carey - don't forget about us

♡Different, Yet So Alike
♡My Pet

haha... been online reading fanfiction since i got home at 6:30pm... they really do make me happy... it really does take my mind off things... those two links up there are two of the nicest i found today... sigh. it's good to read about love that might work out. a crush that i don't emotionally need to be involved in.

♬~There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter who you go through
We are one, that's a fact
That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let
The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret it~♬

▶play//foo fighters - on the mend

♬~One more day that i've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We're tethered once again~♬

erm. i want to mend too. i haven't been taking care of myself, and now it's taking a toll on me. i can't even sleep when i want to. bummer. sigh.

aah well, plenty of time for me to take care of myself during easter break. some 'me' time admist my studying and catching up with work. ugh.

aaah. i'm so stressed right nowwwwww. 2 tests on thursday, 8 hours of agony.

✖list of things to do tomorrow:

||♪|| print out 2 absence forms off my portal, fill in and attach mc letter on them.
||♪|| print out scrapbook homework forms to hand in.
||♪|| see my lecturers about classes that i mised last thursday due to illnesses. i'm praying really hard to god that they will allow me make-up classes tomorrow. fingers crossed.

▶play//ne-yo - so sick

sigh. i was supposed to sleep, but i kept tossing and turning... i hate whining, but it's all i seem to do...

♬~And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?~♬

my whole body is hurting... my heart feels like it's going to explode... i remember a time i used to feel like this in our first few months... beating myself up cos i'm not good enough for you, though you've never told me so...

why can't i let go of what is no more? i wish i really could just go... to just forget about everything... sigh. there is no medecine for this pain... no drug, no drink nor smoke can make me forget this... i may have not tried them, but i know. why else do they complain then?

i know that only being alive will i be able to make a difference... but right now, in this position... like you said, what can we do? i'm so stressed... my head feels like it's going to explode... i feel like a broken toy. sometimes, i can't laugh, can't smile, can't cry. and then, suddenly all hell breaks loose. my emotions are all over the place. i need an escape.

sleep.. even it eludes me. it takes me ages to sleep. i have days that i just don't sleep and just do things, but it still doesn't ease me. i need sleep, but it's pushing me away too.

i really need an escape. i need to get everything out of my system. i want everything to be real to me again.

i really wish i could just say, 'f*ck love.' and mean it. i'm so sick of being so sad over something that's supposed to make me feel happiest.

i guess, no you, there is no love. just what it's supposed to be, and sadness.

nut, bas, ron, twinnie, wen, abang, wir, qam, dee, cyn, chris, cat, lassie.. OMG. LASSIEE!!!!!!!!!!! Happy belated 17th birthday babe!!!!!!! ='( i'm such an ass. see, i even forget my bestie's B'dae. argh. f*ucking hate myself.