These past few days were my emo moments: two days before I turn 20 and two days after. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have no more excuse for acting bratty at some point, i have no leeway in making childish mistakes, i have no right to stop in the middle of my tracks and go back home because I just feel scared.

I dreamt about being really famous by the age of 15. Ever since I decided I wanted to pursue something non-academic, i lived an extremely frustrating life because i was looking for things way beyond my reach. But I deprived myself more because of my selfishness. I had a lot of opportunities that came my way, but i was just too self-serving to accept the challenge and start anew. Instead of appreciating the little things offered to me, cherishing sweet nothings and outplaying competition -- I wanted bigger and more prestigious opportunities, desired more acceptance from other people and resented criticisms and reconstructions. However, now that I think about it, I don't have time to sulk that much because sulking will just make everything worse. One thing I learned from life's triumphs and troubles, celebrate a little and still work a lot -- sulk for a while but work more after.

So now, at 20...-- where would i be?

Broadcasting over LBFM 97.4 because I JUST LOVE CALISTA!

*oh yeah. my dream organization ever since high school. i am not the best jock, i may never be... but i am proud to be one and will always be. this org has taught me things that i never knew i could do and those lessons made all the difference. from playing badminton to working my guts off to deliver a good Screen Play broadcast (our GoCheer Night), i am always grateful for the opportunity given to me. it frustrates me a lot that i never get the chance to really do bongga-bongga stuff with you guys and that pains me. but you guys don't know how much i appreciate your hugs, your "coleybi!!!" moments and your laughs... i am just happy to be part of The UPLB Jocks. what an honor. i am gonna carry the jock blood til the day i die. :) just a thought! can i do just one vote (space) title of the song (space)?! it is so myx vj tho, hahaha! Calista rocks! waha!

MY TIMELINE OF EVENTS

1. i celebrated my first birthday

i still have that figurine on my birthday cake!

2. i spoke in English, i mean based on parents' fondest memories --

parents watching a movie cole: wehdy, weh arr yooo? asan daw si wehdy oh, haha! parents: huh?

3. i entered primary school,disheveled hair, wispy bangs... super maldita

oh yeah... go cole!

4. i started singing

If We Hold On Together -- OST Land Before Time
Mom crying throughout

5. i started dancing

Achy Breaky Heart -- weird, Miley Cyrus' dad sang this song

6. i started acting

School plays. i love productions.

7. i started bossing people around!

I know. i know!

8. i started to sing for a choir

Soprano... bwahaha

9. i started directing skits

I know. i know!

10. i started choreographing dancing stints and collecting music albums and i got my first medal

fourth grade, my most memorable elementary year!

11. i started traveling

Hong Kong, Jakarta, Singapore... anyone?!

12. i started to love acting/stage performance that much

Best Actress -- you like me! you really like me!

13. i had my very first boom blaster and people noticed my "edge" for hosting

Welcome to MTV Asia Hitlist with me, Cole!

14. i did my first scientific paper defense and it went really well

Breeding Barley for the New Millenium, what is the significance? Well, first of all --

15. i appeared on MTV Asia

"A special thanks to the sister-brother team of Cole and Marlo who gave us an eye-catching request which I simply cannot deny!" -- VJ Utt

16. i became an active member of the school paper

Associate editor, oh yeah!

at 19 -- or should i say, until now...

1. i am still a big fat loser

*it's so frustrating. for 10 years i've been struggling to be liked, against the world's mean and judgmental eyes whenever they look at full-figured people. seriously. is it my fault that when I was 13 I already had 36 inches worth of hips? And now after 7 years, well... yeah, it got bigger, duh. but it's genetics!

but it's really my fault that i have bulging arms and stomach, and bulky legs. i love pigging out, especially when i'm stressed , which i always am.

i quote my brother "ano ba yan, antaba mo! dapat para kang (insert name of a skinny celebrity wearing short-shorts and tank top, dancing and lip-synching like a fool on a noontime variety show)."

2. i still don't have a hell lot of savings

*as opposed to my brothers who already established their future due to their weekly allowances that they saved ever since they were 3. no, seriously.

3. i still don't know how to ride a bike

* oh please. it's not like i'm being bratty when i try to pedal... but yeah, i wasn't trying enough. but i'm afraid to get scars! the reason, to begin with, why i wasn't allowed to ride a bike when i still didn't have a concept of getting "hurt" and "ugly scars" was because my mom didn't want me to get scars. and she was really successful. so i am just following her lead! i hate bikes. gawd.

4. ditto to swim

* i love the waters. but the waters don't love me back. story of my life.

5. ditto to drive exactly how a driver, err, well, drives

* spent a fortune on driving schools, gasoline when i was practicing -- even had my own license -- but guess what i do! i text my brothers!

6. ditto to play chess

*it's nerdy. but it's cool. not that i have any idea what chess entails, but it would be nice if i actually know how to play "intellectual games".

Hey y'all, sabaidee!

after the whole exhausting blow of my semester, im in vientiane right now and i'll be spending a whole month in here. first, i'll be doing my internship at Vientiane Times! The paper has a new look so watch out for it! second, i'll also be doing my data gathering for my thesis due next semester, so it's all work. im not in vaca mode in here. lastly, i'll be helping my mom for her work here as well... gonna be tough actually.

but the nice thing is that i get to be paid... however, no shopping for me because i'm saving to buy a DSLR for my birthday, which is on August... so there... im gonna be thrifty and busy, but of course... my blog life is still going to be as active as my days here in Vientiane...

i like it here. nice food. cool people. and a very extravagant new year next week! summer lovin' it is!

charm, =)

i painstakingly but patiently downloaded a korean movie at YouTube awhile ago to relieve my frustrated soul. I really wanted to watch My Boyfriend is Type B like almost three years ago, upon loving their first tv drama entitled "Sweet 18". I really loved that series... i mean aside from "Sasst Girl: Chun-hyang"... those series really make me happy and make me believe that happiness do exist.

the movie stars ex-lovers lee dong gun and han ji hye. just so sad that the two broke up this year, ending their three-year relationship. haha, i've longed to watch their film the same time the two have been together and that i finally got to watch their film the time they broke up. how ironic.

the film was ok. again, i wasn't too ecstatic about the ending, i mean, i am really not satisfied with how korean movies end, the endings just don't justify the whole movie, y'know what im saying? i just feel there is something wrong with korean movie endings. anyway, the movie was fun. romantic. humorous. it represented the simple analogy of sacrifice for love, getting hurt, loss of trust then finally giving another chance, turn the tables around and live happily ever after. and i really love their team-up. so sad they split. i specifically remember when i talked to a group of koreans in the campus like, again, almost three years ago -- i kept on talking about korean movie stars because those are the things i can talk about that could establish a common ground between the group and me and I was too happy enumerating the stars that i am familiar with -- then mentioned the two, the koreans were all "oh yah! ee-dong-gan en han-ji-ya!" and we were all laughing. fun times. when i was a freshman. times when i did not know what i wanted in life.

i really pushed to watch the film because i am a fan of han ji-hye's latest series "Likable or Not" in KBS. so i remembered her movie with lee dong gun, and there... nobody can stop me. not even my failing acads. i was just thinking of taking away this depression, that is to watch a movie i am craving to watch all these years.

im currently in the newsroom. instead of doing hundreds of requirements that were left hanging to prioritize my major course, im dead set on this seat writing this because im just frustrated, stressed, tired and numb right now.

this morning, being so absent-minded and all, i dropped my dream phone. i cursed myself, picked it up and saw deep scratches all over the face of my new dream phone and even a little scratch at the bottom. i could not believe i was that stupid to let my phone slip just because i was thinking and worrying my pending requirements. suddenly, all my frustrations came running to me. everything. the things i just keep inside, the things i'd rather not talk about. all my desperations, my frustrations, my plans turned nothing, everything. i wanted to cry but i can't. i was wide awake for the first time after a month of wanting to take a nap in my botany 1 lecture awhile ago. i was thinking of my phone having major damages and my acads on the verge of failing.

i am really a good student. i submit my requirements on time and i make sure those requirements are kickass good. i am active in every class that i have, i make sure i pass my exams and my quizzes are ok. i don't sleeping class (at least not everytime) and that i am running for honors. but now? nothing. i am a nothing but a pathetic student. but after this semester, i don't think all my efforts to be on this state will pay off because of only one semester, i believe, this sem turned my world upside down. this was not supposed to end up like this, but guess what, i failed. i totally failed to deliver.

this sem was the first time i had the chance to make big waves in my respective organizations. My other org, yeah, i did ok. My other one? I totally choked and failed to meet the members' expectations. it was so hard to accept that i was not able to execute the best actions that i can because if i was not catching a nap, i am too tired to do anything at all. it just sucks. i am extremely passionate towards my org and i just made a fool out of myself and disappointed them, totally.

im lucky to have a break from all the stress and pressure of academic and social life. this break isn't exactly the vacation a student could ask for because i still have to do lots of stuff over the weeks -- but im still thankful that im at home. im just looking forward for summer, when everything is so over and im going to be an intern in a newspaper firm or something.

this semester was already filled with frustrations on my part. and i'll admit i have a lot of shortcomings regarding my acads, fulfilling my responsibilities in my respective organizations and functioning effectively in one of my major requirements. i'll admit, im still preoccupied and intimidated of everything i have to face.

so this christmas, i believe i can't be all christmassy and enjoy the 'happy holidays' for i know that when school resumes, im dead to the last bone until april 2008. im just being a real loser right now and admit defeat. plus, im old... i will not be receiving any gift this year.

on the other hand, not being schizo or something, but there are times that i feel that i just have to enjoy life because i am not sure if tomorrown would be as bright as today. i don't know if im going to be around tomorrow, either.

so what to do now, face the reality that im a stressed and pressured student or embrace the fact that im a stressed and pressured student? oh well. =)

i'm kinda amazed that our college is already a hotspot. i mean, it's free and anyone who has a WiFi thing can check their mails, do stuff in their respective online communities and of course, blogging!
just a little bit later, my classmate and orgmate and I will present our case study about a community newspaper circulated down south of the Philippines. it's not really a comprehensive one but we really did our best to put up a good presentation. im actually excited.
i have a lots of things going on inside my head, like how hectic this semester is going to be. given the fact that im a college junior, editor-in-chief of the dreaded requirement... activity head of our prestigious awards night and the parliament minister of the radio station in which i belong.
oops... my prof started discussing... wee! time to go!

DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG POST IS IN FILIPINO BECAUSE I WAS RUSHING MY FINGERS WHILE TYPING THIS AND I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THE LANGUAGE I HAVE TO USE. BUT STILL, ENJOY! =) THIS WOULD BE AN ADVENTURE! ENJOY TRANSLATING! *SCREAMS* VJ UTT IS GOING TO HOST MS EARTH 2007! GAWD! I WANNA WATCH LIVE! GRABE! SI UUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! SA UP THEATRE YUNG PAGEANT NIGHT, NOVEMBER 11, 2007. MALAMANG TV TELECAST LANG MAPAPANOOD KO DI BA. 9.30 PM SHA, KAYA MANOOD KAYO! DAHIL SI UTT ANG HOST! SIGURO KAYA SHA HOST KASI SI MARC NELSON AY NASA AMAZING RACE... BUT WHAT THE HELL! SI UTT ANG HOST! GAAAAAHHHHH! *SCREAMS* GUSTO KO MANOOD NG LIVE, GRABE... C'MON... UP THEATRE... ANDITO NA SA PILIPINAS GRABE, NDE KO PA'RIN MA-REACH! GAAAAAHHHHHHH! SO NEAR, YET SO FAR. FYI MALAPIT LANG ANG QC. HRMPH. TAPOS SA MONDAY PUPUNTA AKONG QC, EH NAMAN, SUNDAY ANG PAGEANT. NAKAKAINIS! SI UTT! HAAAYYY. SHA, MAGSETTLE NALANG SA TV... GRABE, UTT. UNANG PHILIPPINE TV APPEARANCE NYA ITO. ABS-CBN, MMM, TFC, BUONG MUNDO YUN, TSAKA SA STAR WORLD DIN TELEVISED. SHET!!! SI UTT! ANDITO SA PILIPINAS. JUSKO, KAPRANINGAN KO NUN SA BANGKOK... I MEAN, I'VE BEEN THERE LIKE THREE TIMES AT ANG AIM KO LANG SA TRIP NA IYON AY MAKITA SI UTT SA STREETS NG BANGKOK. NAKITA KO NGA SHA... SA TV, ENDING NUNG TELENOVELA NYA... HABANG GINUGUPITAN AKO NUNG THAI. MALAMANG NDE KAME MAGKAINTINDIHAN KUNG ANUNG GUSTO KONG GUPIT... PERO AYUN, NAGSETTLE KAME SA LAYERED. SEE MY PHOTOS. TAPOS YUN, GUSTONG-GUSTO KO NANG KAUSAPIN YUNG HAIRSTYLIST TUNGKOL KAY UTT, PERO MAY GAWD... NDE TALAGA KINAYA NG ENGLISH. KUNG SANA MARUNONG LANG AKO MAG-THAI. EH DI SANA SUPER BONDING KAME NUNG STYLIST... ANYWAY! SHET! TALAGA! SI UTT! ANO BA. GAAAH. I WANNA WATCH. REALLY. PERO ALAM KONG NDE NA NAMAN MANGYAYARI YUN. OMG. SAYANG NAMAN ANG PAGKAKATAON. GRABE. MALAMANG ALL CAPS TOH KASI TALAGANG SOBRANG NANGINGINIG AKO. ULTIMATE ASIAN KRAS KO TALAGA SI UTT. AWWW... KAHIT SINASABI NG TAO NA GAY SHA, LIKE I CARE! FOR ME, HE'S NOT! WHATEVER SA MGA WALANG MAGAWA DYAN NA INISSUE SHA. HE IS SOOO NOT GAY! RIGHT?! OO!

i don't know if you guys have seen this movie, i watched it sa cinemax siguro 5 or 6 years ago, basta i loved the movie, pero i don't know the title or the actors either... pero it goes something like... there was a couple, swimmers sila, part sila ng swim team... tapos yun happy-happy. then one night, there was a party or something... i don't know what exactly happened kung may pustahan na kung sino makakapagdive ng maganda dun sa pool, may money or something. OR nabaril yung girl. basta the two ended up sa hospital, yung guy nabuhay pero yung girl namatay. kasi di ba, kung nag-dive sila sa pool, baka nabagok yung ulo nila or something pero nde siguro nalunod kasi swimmer sila, duh. pero baka nabaril sila, tapos nahulog sa pool?! ewan talaga. OR swim rival yung nakapatay sa kanila?! ewan talaga! basta walang witness dun sa crime! ngayon, yung soul nung girl andito pa'rin sa earth at she was searching for something. nde ko alam kung anong case yung dapat iinvestigate nya, or parang para ma-acquit yung bf nya (because apparently yung bf nya yung pinagbibintangan na may kasalanan nung tragedy, pero syempre yung girl alam nyang innocent yung bf nya)... tapos may dog sila... yung dog yung nakakakita dun sa girl. basta ayun, movie movie movie... yung isa pang major na nangyari, may isa pang part ng swim team nila na medyo rebel-rebel type... tapos ayun, naksidente din yung girl, nag-end-up sa hospital... (parang medyo nagkadevelopan na yung bidang guy at yung rebel-rebel girl)... parang may issue din yung rebel-rebel sa dad nya, basta... nde ko na talaga ma-recall lahat! namatay si rebel-rebel girl, pero... nabuhay sha ulit kasi nakapasok yung soul nung bidang girl sa body nya. kasi parang dun sa "heaven" nagkita yung soul nya at yung soul nung bidang girl, nagusap sila... ayaw nang mabuhay nung rebel-rebel kasi ang gusto lang naman nyang mangyari eh makausap yung dad nyang namatay, eh nakausap na nya so ok lang na ma-dead na sha. eh ayaw nung bidang girl kasi nga, malolonely na naman yung bf nya on earth. basta parang may divine intervention... ang bumalik sa earth yung soul nung girl.