i can't believe it's been a year and a half since i last made an entry here.  a lot of things have happened now.  i resigned from my previous job.  i got into a romantic relationship.  the 3 of us were literally torn apart.  7 months ago i gave birth.  we reunited to a certain extent.  my mother is still crazy.  i had a job again.  my mother is still the same despite of her sad situation.  my daughter is over 200 miles away from me. it would take 10 hours of land transportation before i get to see and touch my beloved daughter. 

the last time i saw Abby was 10 days ago.  i never thought it would make me feel this way to miss my precious child.  it drives me crazy.  i try not to think of her because according to the old common knowledge, she might get sick.  but i can't avoid it.  every moment, i remember the activities before that we used to do together.  i miss breastfeeding her.  i miss bathing her on my lap or on her bath tub.  i miss strolling her around the house and downtown the city.  i miss talking to her, and i miss her talking to me.  people always notice her small lips.  despite of her small lips, she has a big voice.  her cries are really loud too.  i miss carrying my daughter in my arms while roaming around the grocery.  i always smell her neck whenever she is wrapped around my chest.  i miss changing her soiled diapers.  i miss dancing her to laughter.  when i lay down on my bed, i always put my left hand beside the empty space of my bed.  i miss my baby sleeping beside me.  when she sleeps, i always put my left arm beneath her legs so that she'll feel my presence or i put her pillow beneath her legs because she is already used to feeling something beneath her legs.  i used to watch her sleep that it's as if i am memorizing her face.  i will never forget her smile.  her chinky eyes are always "gone" whenever she smiles.  what i miss the most of my daughter are when she says, "mommamy," and when she stretches out her arms to reach me as her way of saying, "mommy please get me now!"  i can't describe how i miss my daughter SO MUCH.  I MISS ABBY!

welcome to reality!

that's all i can say...that's all i can conclude behind my life's complexities lately..

wo xie xie ni men..!

yuan lai wo zhi shi tu ran lei le...

4 September 2006.  arrived in Laoag city via Partas. 

5 September 2006.  first day of work. still worried about whether i can do the job...

8 September 2006.  first day of fieldwork.

so far, these are the significant dates that refer to my job.  although my current job is a bit tiring and difficult, still i get to enjoy it.  i get to encounter different people, and be in different places.  i get to talk with aspirants, and assess them.  i get to test the accuracy of my research. 

...exciting...tiring...happy...

conclusion: social sciences at work

i am undergoing training.  i will be stationed in the south.  by then, i will be just all by myself.  all by myself.  if i will be deployed there already, i don't think i am that confident yet.  i know i am still raw, especially with regard to the real conquest of this new job of mine.  i need time to grow and develop further.  i have to prepare myself.  i need to be armed, fully armed. 

...conquer fear...

so far, the difficulties that i am suffering right now has to do with culture and language.  i can't speak the Ilocano language of the Ilocanos here.  because i can't speak, i can't transcend that much.  or perhaps, i am not that talkative, really. 

...i need to be sensitive... especially that i am with different people...

i really wish i can do this... i really hope i can...

i am going to leave the company i work for right now... i'm not going to work as a writer/researcher anymore... i'll be going back to Baguio City (BC)... i'm going to work as a researcher and HR officer at the same time... i really like to work... but, there are some problems i am confronted with right now... i'm short-financially... i can't afford to pay my own house... plus, my second job is going to pay me in a 2K less salary... :( 

my mother...i know she's gonna be mad at me... because i opted to work..............  aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can't take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've decided that i am going to pursue that job in Baguio, despite of the low salary.  my mother was angry at me upon learning from me that decision.  she might be thinking that she is still going to financially support me. with that low salary, she believed that it would be really impossible for me to survive on my own.  i know.  i know.  she had a point.  her views and thoughts 'have always been true'.  they have always been right. 

literally translated in english, there is no money in the social sciences.  this has always reverberated in my mind.  true.  right.  very much true, very much right.  i entered this field because i have grown to like this field.  i'm not that type who aims for a five-digit salary.  i'm not into money that much.  money is money.  it is basic, but not the most important.  i do understand that my mother was just concerned of me being financially short (or deprived). or perhaps, she is concerned that i have graduated from college already and yet i will still be a continuing burden to her.  i opted to shift work because of the experience i will derive from that job.  eventually, i know i am going to attain a higher salary.  not now, but in the right time.  a lot of thoughts still pouring on my head...but i have to start working now.  [to be continued]

inside ~ outside

written ~ spoken

Php9K5 ~ Php7K

NCR ~ Region 1

STAY OR LEAVE?

a school without a drama is a school without a soul

my task yesterday was about that title above...my initial comment was that it sounded like a line from jj lin's song - now that she's gone.  the line was - this is our song without a soul, now that she's gone, what's left of us is this song.  a nice one, isn't it?  i had to research about these three words in writing this task - drama, soul, and school.  my second comment was that i had to be an artist specifically in the drama to write it out, in order to know the feeling...i really had to read and review a few literatures in order envision that particular feeling.. 

in the course of writing this paper, i realized how popular it is among british schools... also, i remembered the 'highschool musical'.....soaring, flying...breaking free! ;)) 

i was able to finish it...that's the conclusion...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

amber

i like the idea that amber is being 'nationalistic' to a certain extent, by referring to her filipino roots.  lastly, i like the rhythmn or the melody or the tune of amber's songs.

i dislike, or hate actually one of her songs. it has the word - jungle. and, i agree with the comment of the dj from a certain radio station that that song culminates the thought that the philippines is a jungle and as though filipinos are not civilized.  i hate how that song went...she's going back to the jungle.  now, is that being 'nationalistic'?... or perhaps she is just expressing through her songs how she loves to go back to manila, philippines (jungle @*#!~/) in order to sell her album? 

...i failed to wish awhile ago...

being given a chance to wish passes just once

...and i failed to make a wish...